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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Road Trip Chronicles Vol.2
Los Gatos, CA to Long Branch, NJ September 2006

Yes Caitlin and I went back on the road to live on the East Coast (at least until June of next year). As always I kept my handy dandy travel journal to keep notes.

September 1
Me: Bye bye Rite Aid, where I made my money. Wow, I made $3000 this summer. I made one dollar for every mile you drove.
Caitlin: That’s really sad.

I see a woman curling her hair while driving. Where do you even plug it into? Is there a cigarette lighter attachment on hair products now?

I pinched my boys when I tried to adjust in the seat. This was only a half hour into the drive, not a good sign.

We see a car pulled over only 20 feet from an exit and a little boy (maybe 4 or 5) is peeing by the side of the road. Poor little fellow just couldn’t make it.

Nothing scares me more than motorcycles weaving in and out of traffic 5-10 miles faster than anyone else. I’m paranoid that I’ll see them hit a car and flip over it but it will all happen in slow motion.

Some road signs come up too soon. Like the one that said Mokolume River…
Me: That’s not much of a river (while looking at a ditch).
(2 seconds pass by, then we go over a bridge covering a huge river.)

We stop at a Target store…
Random woman: Ohh… wife beaters!!!
Caitlin: Yeah, I’m usually not excited to see those.

Me: I re-did it.
Caitlin: You readed it? And you’re an English major?

We stay the night at Fernley, Nevada’s America’s Best Value Inn. The moment we walk into the lobby we’re asked if we are there for Burning Man. It was taking place just 2 hours away. Oh well, maybe next time I want to spend a week in a drug induced haze at a rave. The guy that checked us in was very sweet. An obese Indian guy with a speech impediment. Rather adorable, simple guy. When we were checking out I asked if I had to sign anything and he said, “Nope, all done!”

Saturday, September 2

At 930AM Caitlin finds out her friend Mattney is having a baby. A week later it’s twins.

We stop at this cute little coffee shop/wine bar thing. They pour the hot water directly into filters then into these sterling silver mugs. Everything was done a little differently, but it was all quite tasty.

Last night Caitlin and I make up a song. It goes to the tune of “You’re Beautiful”…
My butt is full…
My butt is full…
My butt is full…
Of poop!

For some reason I said I have two hairy cocks. I think I was talking about roosters.
Caitlin: You have two hairy cocks?
Me: Bet you cant eat just one!

We see some skinheads at a WalMart in Wyoming. Wearing wife beaters, (there’s that word again) and sporting huge Nazi tattoos, it was like American History X but at low low prices.

At 825 at night Caitlin says, “I made a sandwich in my pants!” This is usually a good sign that we should stop for the night.

Sunday, Sept. 3
We stayed the night in Evanston, Wyoming

There were a lot of these tiny dirt devil kind of tornadoes all along the road. Nothing to cause any damage, but cool to look at.

This was the day that Caitlin went insane. She started off the day talking about “curtain sex”, I don’t remember what that was about. Later she burst into song…
Two dinosaurs!
Two dinosaurs!
Two dinosaurs!
Is one more than one dinosaur!
Five dinosaurs!
Five dinosaurs!
Five dinosaurs!
Is one more than four dinosaurs!
Nine dinosaurs!
Nine dinosaurs!
Nine dinosaurs!
Is one more than eight dinosaurs!

I gotta tell you, its catchy.

Nebraska! It’s kind of plain.

We stop at a Wendy’s in Cheyenne, WY. This older, possibly retarded guy walks around offering people his second sandwich. He didn’t want to eat it so he could save room for his desert. Very cute.

We start the “I’m all over it like…” game. Examples…
Caitlin: I’m all over it like white on trash.
Me: I’m all over it like FEMA checks to New Orleans.
Caitlin: I’m all over it like welfare checks to Fort Drum.
Me: Ok, that’s low.
I try to make a penis joke.
Me: Did you know I’m descended from the great peni-ni?
Caitlin: You’re descended from a sandwich?
Me: No, not panini.

Caitlin and I sing “Amazing Corn” sung to the tune of “Amazing Grace”. Somehow the two of us make up two separate yet hilarious versions of the song, and dammit I didn’t write it down.

I have an imaginary conversation with some slut trying to hook up with Shawn at an also imaginary bachelor party. “Come on Shawn, we have to go. Don’t you remember that thing… that you have to do… that’s not her.”

Caitlin: Octopuses have tails, not legs.

Monday, Sept. 4

I start off the day thinking that for some reason Caitlin handed me a bucket of pee. It was the empty bucket for ice.

I decided to mangle my word pronunciations:
Me: I have to use the pho-anne.
Caitlin: The p-hone? The pee honey? Bwah ha ha ha!

This continutes…
Me: (I was reading a billboard) Wells Fargo: Free Checking services for your fiancés. Oh, finances.
Caitlin: Haha! Stop it, I have to poop!

I mess up the order of Iowa, Indiana, and Illinois (I still don’t know it.)
Caitlin: Haha, Kevin doesn’t know his states!
Me: Well there’s so many I’s in a row its like a tri-clops.

Tuesday, Sept. 5
We stopped in Geneseo, IL for the night at a Super 8 which had signs (that we read too late) about a bug infestation. “We can’t control Mother Nature.”

Caitlin says she rolled double sevens. What? Is she playing with D&D dice?

Last night was also the attack of the penis mummy. This should probably be censored.

There’s a chain of gas stations in Illinois called HI-V Gas.
Me: We’ll AID you on your journey with HI-V gas.

All of the 18 wheelers have Manac mud flaps. Manac looks like a flying moose.

Me: That makes me go “ha-ha” in my belly.

In Indiana we see a bumper sticker that says, “Recruiter” but the letters are done up in the colors of the gay rainbow.

We hear a radio commercial for Manard’s, a hardware store. The commercial is something like, “Introducing Manard’s great variety of color. You’ll save big at Manard’s” Oh, I couldn’t stop laughing.

Caitlin sees a sign that says “No HC” and says, “No Hot Chocolate allowed!”

Me: Not all chickens taste the same, but they all start out as chickens.
Caitlin: No honey, they all start out as eggs.
Me: Hehe, “ass eggs”.

Wednesday, Sept. 6
Stayed the night in either Bloomsburg or Buckhorn, PA. It was on the border so I’m not sure exactly where we were.

The TV at the Econo Lodge had an AM/FM radio and alarm clock built in. Where the fuck does one buy something like that?

Every, and I mean every, employee at the Lodge was gay. Flaming older gay men that were trying to hide it but failing all the time.

I was discussing my Dad’s book (yes he’s writing one too) and Caitlin asked if I would feel comfortable reading things about him.
Me: Yes, if there’s any reference I’ll get rid of it. Then I’ll cross out “Bob” and write “Frank” and wonder why, on Halloween, they franked for apples.

Pennsylvania has townships. So every sign is now entering township of…
Caitlin: We’re in Jefferson Township and the next town is Rockaway. Haha. We’re in Jefferson Township and they built their city on Rockaway. Rock-a-way-ayyyy!!!!!

Caitlin and I say a lot of weird things. I don’t know the conversations that these came from, because I didn’t write it down, but here’s a sampling of random goofy shit we say.

You take your crotch bubbles back!
Maxi Padd-ington Bear
I used to think that quiche was pronounced kwi-chi
I make fun of the cat in the widdle. What?
And now…. Huge donuts!

And that is the travel journal. Not as exciting as the way out to California. However, its not all that we have to write about either. More excitement coming soon.

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