ECW 10/03/06
I’m going to try writing my reviews this way: bullet points for what happened, then opinions at the end. We’ll see if I like it or not. I don’t care that much if you don’t like it.
Hardcore Holly and Paul Heyman watch footage from last week when Holly got injured. Holly demands to wrestle but Paul wont let him due to the injury. Holly threatens Heyman only to get knocked down from a chairshot to the back by Test.
Opening of the show.
Sandman and Sabu vs. Matt Striker and the Big Show. Striker and Show win.
Kelly Kelly and Trinity promote the Extreme Strip Poker on next week’s ECW. They call their breasts “aces” and a “full house” respectively. Yes, its ironic to use respectively in that description.
Kevin Thorn (with Ariel) vs. Tommy Dreamer. Thorn wins after hitting Dreamer in the temple with Thorn’s Goth walking stick.
A Marine trailer is played.
Maria promotes Extreme Strip Poker. She tells us that the superstars have instructed her to throw away anything that matches because then, “everyone wins”.
CM Punk vs. Danny Doring. Punk wins, no surprise. After the match Kelly Kelly gets Punk’s attention and starts to dance for him. Mike Knox (Kelly’s boyfriend) comes out and stops her, then issues a warning to Punk. Punk in so many words tells Knox that Kelly wants Punk and if Knox cant deal with it then bring it. Knox runs to the ring to bring it, but its never brought. He walks away to continue the story until next week.
Ashley and Kristal promote the Extreme Strip Poker. Ashley looks horrible for some reason, too much makeup is my guess.
Extreme Rules Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Test. Paul Heyman and his private security (the Basham brothers under riot gear) come to the ring right after Test goes through a table. Test throws RVD to the floor where the Bashams attack him. Test wins after Big Show knocks RVD off the top rope and through a table.

It’s amazing how much fit into this hour long show. As terrible as the new ECW was when it started its really becoming something good, but there are still problems. Not only does Danny Doring need to either get into better shape or be fired, but its time for Punk to have some challenging matches. Unfortunately Mike Knox will not be one of them. I heard all week that the main event was the best match Test has ever had. Now while he’s never used his power and size better, finally he looks like a monster, I wouldn’t call it a great match. Good, and very good for Test, but not great. Hardcore Holly as a good guy only because of his fluke injury is an interesting idea. It seems his best pushes follow his injuries. Matt Striker and Big Show made a great tag team, and if they were on Raw or Smackdown they would deserve a long reign as tag champs. There’s a great in ring chemistry with them and hopefully its not the last time they team up.

Comics Reviews from September 20, 2006 Part 2

Comics Reviews from September 20, 2006 Part 2

Civil War: X-Men #3
Bishop is loaded up with energy from Cyclops's optic blasts and has to shoot the energy into space before he explodes. Micromax has the greatest costume accessory ever - an iPod. Johnny Dee is a mutant (maybe) mentally controlling the 198. (Who are the 198? Way too long for me to get into yet, wait til I..ve read the graphic novel.) Dee has "eggs" with little voodoo dolls inside of them that look like any mutant he's touched. With these eggs and his dolls he can control the mutants and does so to make Cyclops attack Bishop and have the 198 attack each other. How do I explain the rest is less time than it takes to read the comic? Bishop and his group are with Iron Man's pro-registration side. Cyclops, Archangel, Iceman, Beast and most of the 198 under Domino's leadership are on Captain America..s anti-registration side. Johnny Dee has been manipulated from a prison by Lazer, the government official in charge of Bishop's troops. Lazer gets found out, Valerie Cooper is put in control, and we have a cease fire between the mutants. Problem is that the 198 are now locked inside a compound designed to destroy WMDs. It will take the X-Men outside 6-7 hours to get inside and rescue them, however the whole place is going up in 90 minutes. Yeah, I'm looking forward to next issue.

Civil War Files #1
This is a dossier of Iron Man's files on different superheroes. It's also a pain to read because its white type on black paper. I'll post a review when I have more time to squint and try to make out the words.

Claw the Unconquered #4
An alright pseudo barbarian tale. Claw has a claw on his hand while he rides across this land. The creators are coming up with a long history of Claw's world and it looks rather interesting. A definite graphic novel read, but Claw gives a good quick read that feels worth the time in the single issues full of werewolves, half naked women, and of course Claw himself.

Claws #2
Didn't you just review this? No, its not Claw, its Claws. The adventures of Wolverine and Black Cat. Really, really not good. They end up on an island together where someone is trying to kill them. I'll save you the money, its Arcade. They fall into traps too easily, both are written out of character and its overall just terrible. The mini-series is an excuse to see how much torture they can put Wolverine through. Why is Black Cat there then? I don't know, T and A factor I guess. Skip this one.

DC Fifty Two Week 20
I'm going to review the entire 52 series soon so this one will have to wait.

More to come later tonight or tomorrow. I have to get it done soon so I can start reviewing all of this week's comics. Too much to read but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Random wrestling notes for the week.

Random wrestling notes for the week.

TNA and Kurt Angle.
Sure, its a huge deal for TNA. They signed one of WWEs biggest names from the last 5 years. But theres a reason why they signed him. He was fired from WWE, because hes a drug addict that will end up hurting/killing himself or someone else. Im a huge fan of Angle and TNA but TNA should have taken the high road (along with any other wrestling or MMA company) and refused to sign Angle for his own good. Whatever money he makes TNA will be nothing compared to how much theyre going to have to pay for lawyers and a good PR team when CNN starts to ask why an Olympic gold medalist is dead.

ECW
Amazing show! Hardcore Holly shows everyone that while hes a dick, hes also truly hardcore. He lives the gimmick. Holly was put through a table with the result being a deep gash across his back 12-18 inches long. Then he goes on to finish the match! CM Punk gives a promo good enough to make me care about his feud with Mike Knox. Ariel vs. Francine Extreme Catfight was everything Ive been waiting for except no where near long enough. Hopefully a rematch will happen soon. Big Show vs. Sandman was a glorified squash but at least Sandman got in some offense.

RAW
Not much good on this weeks show. Eric Bischoff is back and hopefully that means a good Eric vs. DX or Vince storyline coming up. His book sounds like a must buy too. Shelton and Coach had a great exchange in the back that was the best Coach has ever sounded. Granted, the racism thing is ridiculous, but heres hoping something good comes out of it, like a set of balls for Coach. King Booker has been hilarious and his beat down of Cena was a great way to end the show plus build up Friday Night Smackdown! The womans title tournament needs to get better real quick. Granted it was only Candice that got taken out, but still why bother with such a non-match? Of course, thats for those of you that could see it. The power outage at the beginning of Raw was sadly one of the best things of the night. The question still remains though, why did the commercials for Raw say to not miss the first 10 minutes? Nothing earth shattering happened on the whole show, much less the first 10 minutes. I wonder what might have been.

New Comics from 9/20/06 review part 1

Birds of Prey #98
Apparently theres a new Batgirl in town and she looks a lot like Barbara Gordon. Mostly a lot of talking and exposition, but at the end we find out that the new Batgirl is a meta (super powered person). She teleports to save Huntress from a bullet, then teleports away - blood and all - to reappear next to Barbara Gordon (Oracle). An alright mystery, but not enough to get me hooked.

Blade of the Immortal #117
This is the first issue of this comic that I have ever read, and it being 117 issues old I have no idea what I read. Something about people not being otters and being stuck in service to someone for 10 years. I dont know. I might like it if I started from the beginning, but if you havent then Id skip this comic.

Blade #1
Too much happens in this issue. Maybe the details will come out later, but theres a lot of loose plots at the end of the comic. Spider-Man becomes a vampire, when the hell did that happen? Blade kills a bunch of kids who have been turned into vampires, no remorse shown. Blades origin is retold, his father is introduced. Oh yeah, and theres a secret group of SHIELD made up of vampires. This is at least a years worth of storylines crammed into 22 pages. What happened to a slow burn to a story? Hopefully the graphic novel of the first 6-8 issues will be a better balanced read but for now Blade is a lot of quick action with no plot.

Catwoman #59
Theres a new villain on the loose, Film Freak! He commits his murders by reenacting scenes from different movies, chronologically. Also, Selena the original Catwoman has to rescue the new Catwoman from wrongful imprisonment in a Gotham jail. But first she has to find a babysitter. Thats right Catwoman has a baby with Wildcat from JSA. If you dont know whats going on its all part of DC Comics 1 Year Later plan. Like with so many comics though, it was a lot of set up to get me to buy the next issue but overall I didnt care enough.

Checkmate #6
I couldnt bring myself to give a damn about Checkmate. But the Suicide Squad? Now were talking! Checkmates members have a lot of talking, you owe me, what about this thing that happened five years ago type of discussions. Way too much talking. But the Suicide Squad fights, squabbles, dont trust each other, and overall act as villains should act. Mirror Master continues to become a prime villain and not a joke done in one issue B-list rogue. The ambush at the end gives a great cliffhanger that has me anticipating the next issue of what should be called Suicide Squad #7.

Civil War .4 review (contains tons of spoilers!)

Civil War ..4
Thor shows up and hes pissed. Hes also speaking English pretty well, which if youve ever read Thor before you know he seems to have problems with that. Only on page 2 and Thor already tries to kill the members of the Resistance movement. Something tells me this isnt Thor. Iron Man has beaten down Captain America to where the Cap is barely conscious. The pro registration group stands around looking at Thor when at least two of them (Spider-Man and Invisible Woman look like theyre starting to change their minds. Iron Man is about to take out Cap when out of nowhere Hercules shows up! Herc creates a diversion, Falcon saves Cap and the anti-reg group looks to be coming back, until Thor blows a hole through the torso of Goliath! (Formerly Black Goliath because, well, he is.) Thor is about to destroy the rest of Caps team when his blast is stopped by what? Its Invisible Woman putting a dome around Thor and, apparently, changing sides. Both sides look more beaten down than any comic battle you can think of. Debris everywhere, torn costumes, rain, this is war. Caps team escapes and the revelations keep coming. Thor is actually a Thor clone built by Reed Richards. Huh? How many more clones does he have? Of which heroes? This could get ugly. Spider-Man in his everyman role puts it best, I thought you said you knew what you were doing, Tony. I thought we were doing this so no one else got hurt. Add in a cameo by the Watcher and we the readers see just how big (and sad) this has become. Hank Pym makes a disturbing revelation to Spider-Man back at Avengers Mansion. He and Tony Stark cloned a god (Thor) out of a strand of hair that Iron Man has been hanging onto since the first meeting of the Avengers. One, this seems a lot like JLA: Tower of Babel where it was revealed that Batman has kept secret files on all of his teammates. Two, what else does Iron Man have up his iron sleeve? Goliaths funeral (taking up 36 burial spots) is unintentionally funny. The issue ends with the balance of power in Captain Americas favor. So Iron Mans team needs to find reinforcements which they find in, where else, the villains. The issue ends with Venom, Bullseye, Lady Deathstrike and others ready to unleash hell.
Tune in next month for the rest of Civil War or tomorrow for more reviews!

Comic of the Week

Comic of the Week!
The New Avengers: Illuminati ..1
Now this is what Im talking about! History, revelations, social commentary, and an amazing story. A brilliant idea that other writers should be kicking themselves for not thinking up before. Summary: Iron Man decides to start a secret group of the worlds most intelligent heroes (himself, Mr. Fantastic, Dr. Strange, Black Bolt, Namor, Professor X, and (almost) Black Panther). The group secretly meets every so often to pull the strings of the super hero world. It starts off as an idea to share information to prevent any future attacks (anyone remember the FBI, CIA, Alphabet Soup trying to get along), but becomes something bigger and shadier very fast. Black Panther sees it coming, he says to the group, walk away from this table and go home. There is a reason the Skrulls had such an easy time trying to turn the world against its heroes. Because deep down everyone knows that this could happen, and now it has. You just decided all by yourselves that you are the Earths protectors, and that you, and only you, not your teammates or family, are trustworthy enough to include in the process. Hes absolutely right. How can someone, only because they won a war once, assume they can win every war. Assume that protecting a country once means having power over it forever? All of this leads to the group doing some questionable things behind the scenes, including banning the Hulk into space. (Planet Hulk series which Ill review at some point.) This brings us to present day in the Marvel Universe and the Illuminati splits up. Iron Man wants all of them to go along with the US Governments plan to register all super-beings. Just like he predicted, it becomes friends vs. friends and everyone takes a side leading to much violence and death. This book was like a small pebble that created infinite ripples out. Ripples that can be seen in the rest of the Civil War comics (and reviews, coming soon!)

Wrestling news for the day

TNA has re-hired Vince Russo. Supposedly this is not their major announcement for Sunday's PPV.
2 Cold Scorpio has been hired by WWE. As my wonderful girlfriend Caitlin said, "have they run out of names?"
Kurt Angle wants to do MMA (Mixed Martial Arts). Lots of people are interested in signing him, and most of them want to do Angle vs. Brock Lesnar.
Hogan wants to wrestle Big Show at WrestleMania 23 as a "20 years later" anniversary type thing of his match against Andre the Giant.

And this has been your wrestling news.

TNA Impact Review August 17, 2006

TNA Impact Review August 17, 2006

Good brawl featuring the players from all the major storylines to start the show. I like it when wrestling shows start like that, it makes new viewers think that these people are always fighting against each other, instead of having coffee together in the back. The funniest part is Jeff Jarrett coming out to set off his fireworks in the midst of all the chaos. Theres a difference between being hated because youre a good heel and being hated because youre a douche. Jarretts a douche.
Recap of the Hard Justice PPV.
Jeremy Borach and Eric Young interaction/witty banter.
Nothing of note in either of these.
Alex Shelly and Johnny Devine & Petey Williams vs. Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Sonjay Dutt
The faces have teamed up numerous times, so again we have an Impact match with the seen it before aura. Usual spot fest from the X-Division with a brawl between referee Mark Slick Johnson and fired referee Earl Hebner. Yet another storyline that needs to go away. The faces pull off the rowboat move with their opponents legs, a move I havent seen since the height of midget wrestling. Chris Sabin pins Johnny Devine to give the faces the win. Maybe Im not in the mood to watch TNA tonight because I cant bring myself to care.
Hard Justice recap.
Christian Cage explains why he turned on Sting. It doesnt make much sense.
Chris Daniels cuts a bloody promo to challenge LAX for the tag title belts. Konnan responds and tells everyone he has muy pantalones. My Spanish is rusty but I think that means he has many pants. I dont understand this as an insult, maybe hes mocking people that wear tights.
Bobby Roode promo and his search for a manager. I dont know where this storyline is going, but I hope it ends with Traci Brooks back on TV.
Chris Harris vs. Kazarian vs. Chase Stevens vs. BG James
Winner gets a number one contender shot at the tag team titles for his team. Chase Stevens wins for the Naturals after more miscommunication with the members of AMW.
Samoa Joe vs. Ron Killings
With rumors that Killings is on his way out of TNA and Joe having an undefeated streak, Im not expecting anything other than Joe winning. Rather impressive suplex by Killings was the only thing of note in the match. Joe wins with the Muscle Buster, no surprise.
Jeff Jarrett interview. Sets up Sting vs. Jarrett rematch at Bound for Glory, career vs. title match.

Overall the opening brawl was the only good part of the show. Other than that, I could have skipped it and not missed a beat of the TNA soap opera.

ECW Review 9/19/06

Always a good time while watching ECW, I know some people can't stand the new version but I look forward to it every week.
This week...
King Booker was the invited guest to ECW. After meeting some of the Extremists in the back ("What's his name? Bawls?") Booker is challenged to a match by his former tag team championship partner RVD. RVD loses to Booker in the main event after interference by Hardcore Holly. This match was Extreme Rules, so no DQ due to Holly.
In other matches...
Trinity is back! Oh wait, she was just backstage.
Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, and Sabu vs Mike Knox, Test, and Matt Striker.
Striker takes out Sandman who is helped to the back. The match becomes a two on one and honestly we've seen it before. I'm bored with Knox and Test already. Hopefully Striker will liven it up soon. Win for the ECW Originals team when Test gets DQed for using a chair.
CM Punk again defeated Shannon Moore. The crowd popped for Punk when he came out, but was dead during the match. Even CM looked confused. As much as I'm a fan, maybe changing up the move set in your matches would get the crowds back into it, Punk.
Kevin Thorn vs Balls Mahoney. Balls brings out Francine in her ECW on SciFi debut! Francine and Ariel get into a good old fashioned ECW catfight (hopefully the first of many). Thorn gets the win with a Razor's Edge bomb/ crucifix bomb thing.

With a ton of guys in the back that weren't on TV tonight I'd like to see ECW give Mike Knox and Test a week or two off TV. Also, give Punk someone else to wrestle, maybe someone to test him. (No not Test.)

Today's reviews include:
The Trials of Shazam! ..1
52 Week Sixteen
Civil War: Frontline ..4


The Trials of Shazam! 1 (of 12)
Written by Judd Winick
Art by Howard Porter
DC Comics
$2.99

Captain Marvel is in for a change. Fresh from Black Adams wedding (see below review for 52 Week Sixteen) Billy Batson rescues some kids, destroys four magically powered enemies, has a chat with Zatanna, and then becomes an old man. Busy day for the Big Red Cheese. This is part of the long re-imagining of Captain Marvel, an attempt to make Shazam profitable/popular again. The idea behind Shazam has always been an easy sell; take Superman and make his alter ego a kid. What child wouldnt want to take his interest in superheroes and magic, combine the two by saying one word, and then have god like powers? So of course DC Comics recognizes this and turns Captain Marvel into an old man?
Many of us see the writing on the wall and know that comics arent written for single issue sales anymore, but for the graphic novels. This also prevents new fans from picking up the single issues. A newbie will pay three dollars to try out an issue, and then maybe come back. However, its tougher to get that same person to pay 15-20 for a graphic novel on a whim. Look at Trials of Shazam from an old and new perspective.
New Fan: Who is Shazam? Why is he living in a big floating rock? Whos the magician with the short outfit? Who are all these random unnamed magical monsters?
Old Fan: Once again a classic character is going to grow old and need to find a younger replacement in an attempt to increase sales.
Neither opinion bodes well for the future of Captain Marvel. This is only the first issue though, there are 11 more for Shazam to face some of these Trials. At least he fights monsters and does something heroic here unlike


52 Week Sixteen
Written by Geoff Jones, Grant Morrison, Greg Rucka, Mark Waid
Art by Keith Giffen, Joe Bennett, JG Jones
DC Comics
$2.50

Marvel at Shazam, Mary Marvel, Black Adam and Isis floating around on the wedding day of Black Adam and Isis! Is it wrong to expect superheroes to do something super or heroic? Also, not to play fashion critic but if I was wearing a barely there dress (like Isis) or a short skirt (Mary Marvel) I dont think I would hover above thousands of people looking up at my super Underoos.
Our real heroes of the book, the Question and Renee Montoya, use ordinary human detective work, with time to argue morals and philosophy, before saving the day -- at a price. While Trials of Shazam and 52 are both limited series and thus meant to be read as a whole (graphic novel), 52 gives enough drama to make me want to spend $2.50 next week. Renee Montoya outshines the Question every step of the way, but the result of being the one to catch the bad guy is that shes also the one to catch the consequences. This is only one of the many set ups for the weeks to come. Renee tells the Question that a suicide bomb will not only kill people from the bomb but also from the ensuing stampede. Yet her gun shot yields no reaction. Are the people that wrapped up in watching the marriage of Black Adam and Isis? Or is there some mind control going on and Adam isnt what he appears to be? How will she deal with her decision? These dangling questions leave the reader wanting more while debating on breaking into UPS to steal next weeks issue instead of waiting the full seven long days for it to arrive at the local comic store.
Two short (two pages) back ups round out the issue and are like A1 sauce on a good steak. Its that last kicker that makes you want to come back for more. First there is a history of Black Adam. It may only be one character in the book, but a short biography on any of them is more than welcome. Now that I know a little more about Adam I care a little more too and I care enough to spend more money to find out whats next. Secondly, we see that Animal Man, Starfire, and Adam Strange finally got their spaceship to work and theyre off to next weeks adventure. With the added spoiler that Lobo is back in week seventeen, 52 makes it tough to wait for the next issue. Thankfully its only a seven more days.

Civil War: Frontline ..4
Written by Paul Jenkins
Art by Ramon Bachs, Steve Lieber, Lee Weeks, Sean Chen
Marvel Comics
$2.99

The B side to the hit single that is Civil War. Frontline is part set up for the next issue and part self contained stories. Remember Marvel Comics Presents? There were 1 or 2 main stories (usually with Wolverine) that would continue through a few issues. Then there were two or three back up self contained stories using lesser characters. Frontline works in the same way, and ironically uses some of those same lesser characters. Our lead story features Ben Urich in his role as everyman to the Marvel Universe. Ben has coffee with his opposite in Frontline (reporter Sally Floyd), warns her to be safe, and then is caught in an alley by the Green Goblin. With Goblin out of jail he should be after the newly unmasked Spider-Man (of course old Norman Osborne and Peter Parker already know all about each other, but really it seems the perfect time to attack.) Instead the Green Goblin goes after Urich for printing lies about him. You would think Norman could afford a good PR team.
Meanwhile, Sally Floyd plays fly on the wall for a secret meeting of unregistered B and C team superheroes. Apparently Solo, Battlestar and company couldnt get booked in She Hulk this month. After someone leaks the location site, the meeting is broken up by SHIELD and a quick yet costly battle is fought.
Robbie Baldwin, formerly known as Speedball, plays the role of Tobias Beecher from Oz. A man that made one mistake and is now in way over his head. Robbie picked up boxing skills somewhere along the way (maybe that time he tried out for the Avengers) and dominates his prison boxing match. After another prisoner pulls a shank, slices Robbies calf, and then the Speedball powers show up well we have to wait until next issue.
The forth story this issue explores another side of wars. Weve already seen the soldiers, the reporters, and the prisoners. Now we come to the spies. When something happens that needs explanation, many of us dont go to the obvious answer first, but the most adventurous one. A business is destroyed, and the investigating officer plays wouldnt it be cool if instead of what actually happened here. For probably the first time in his life, the cool answer is the right answer. Namor (sorry, Joe), in all his Atlantean glory has returned. He destroys his fish shop, disguises himself as a fireman, and once again we have to wait until next issue to find out more. At least this one comes out on time.
Rounding out the issue is a parallel between the Vietnam war and Marvels Civil War. Told through the song lyrics of Goodnight Saigon by Billy Joel this last story makes the heroes into humans. Whether youre with Iron Man or with Captain America (or anyone else on the plethora of Civil War banners) there are casualties on both sides. Men and women that had families and dreams that are gone because people, even people with all the power in the world, cant get along. Its easy to label the other side an enemy but harder to call them humans and know that theyre people too.

TNA Hard Justice 2006 review

TNA Hard Justice PPV review
Honestly, not much too exciting on this show.
Eric Young vs. Johnny Devine
EY is the most entertaining thing in TNA right now. The match was overshadowed by the pyro catching part of the ceiling on fire though. Not a bad match at all, but a forgettable one.
Killing time during the evacuation.
The arena was evacuated so the Orlando fire department could check the safety of the building. This led to a LOT of time killing by Mike Tenay and Don West, then a horrible attempt at a promo by Monty Brown. He made up words then repeated those words, thats about it.
Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelly
Alex is going to be a star. The guy sells, tells a story in his matches, and has amazing X division moves. I could see him being stolen away as soon as WWE smartens up. Sabin is alright, a good X star but lacking that it factor to break him out. Great move set in this match though, including the multiple rotation arm bar.
Abyss vs. Brother Runt
What you would expect, an ass kicking. Not much more.
Samoa Joe vs. Rhyno vs. Monty Brown
Joe wins, which everyone saw coming a month ago. Brown needs to leave, hes not improving and should be cut lose. Rhyno is good but seems stuck now. No storyline, no career movement, but a good guy to have on the roster. Joe continues the set up to his eventual NWA title win.
Gail Kim vs. Sirelda
Gail is great to look at and great in the ring but Chyna 2.0 has nothing. Weve seen the strong woman role before and shes not that pretty. Hopefully shes not on a long term deal. Bring back Traci Brooks!
Senshi vs. Jay Lethal vs. Petey Williams
Not a bad match but I expected more from these three. Im going to assume they rushed their match to make up for time after the fire. Still, all 3 can do more and hopefully they will at the next show. Lethal is going to be the man in about 2-3 years.
AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels vs. LAX
Great wrestling throughout the match. Daniels and Styles know each other so well its like they can read each others minds when theyre teaming up. Homicide and Hernandez impress every week and are only getting better. Finally Konnan is doing something worthwhile in TNA. My pick for best match of the night.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting
Ugh. Jarrett keeps the belt, TNA still doesnt learn, lather rinse repeat. Hopefully its his last title reign, because no one cares about Planet Jarrett anymore.

The Road Trip Chronicles Vol.2
Los Gatos, CA to Long Branch, NJ September 2006

Yes Caitlin and I went back on the road to live on the East Coast (at least until June of next year). As always I kept my handy dandy travel journal to keep notes.

September 1
Me: Bye bye Rite Aid, where I made my money. Wow, I made $3000 this summer. I made one dollar for every mile you drove.
Caitlin: That’s really sad.

I see a woman curling her hair while driving. Where do you even plug it into? Is there a cigarette lighter attachment on hair products now?

I pinched my boys when I tried to adjust in the seat. This was only a half hour into the drive, not a good sign.

We see a car pulled over only 20 feet from an exit and a little boy (maybe 4 or 5) is peeing by the side of the road. Poor little fellow just couldn’t make it.

Nothing scares me more than motorcycles weaving in and out of traffic 5-10 miles faster than anyone else. I’m paranoid that I’ll see them hit a car and flip over it but it will all happen in slow motion.

Some road signs come up too soon. Like the one that said Mokolume River…
Me: That’s not much of a river (while looking at a ditch).
(2 seconds pass by, then we go over a bridge covering a huge river.)
Ohhh….

We stop at a Target store…
Random woman: Ohh… wife beaters!!!
Caitlin: Yeah, I’m usually not excited to see those.

Me: I re-did it.
Caitlin: You readed it? And you’re an English major?

We stay the night at Fernley, Nevada’s America’s Best Value Inn. The moment we walk into the lobby we’re asked if we are there for Burning Man. It was taking place just 2 hours away. Oh well, maybe next time I want to spend a week in a drug induced haze at a rave. The guy that checked us in was very sweet. An obese Indian guy with a speech impediment. Rather adorable, simple guy. When we were checking out I asked if I had to sign anything and he said, “Nope, all done!”

Saturday, September 2

At 930AM Caitlin finds out her friend Mattney is having a baby. A week later it’s twins.

We stop at this cute little coffee shop/wine bar thing. They pour the hot water directly into filters then into these sterling silver mugs. Everything was done a little differently, but it was all quite tasty.

Last night Caitlin and I make up a song. It goes to the tune of “You’re Beautiful”…
My butt is full…
My butt is full…
My butt is full…
Of poop!

For some reason I said I have two hairy cocks. I think I was talking about roosters.
Caitlin: You have two hairy cocks?
Me: Bet you cant eat just one!

We see some skinheads at a WalMart in Wyoming. Wearing wife beaters, (there’s that word again) and sporting huge Nazi tattoos, it was like American History X but at low low prices.

At 825 at night Caitlin says, “I made a sandwich in my pants!” This is usually a good sign that we should stop for the night.

Sunday, Sept. 3
We stayed the night in Evanston, Wyoming

There were a lot of these tiny dirt devil kind of tornadoes all along the road. Nothing to cause any damage, but cool to look at.

This was the day that Caitlin went insane. She started off the day talking about “curtain sex”, I don’t remember what that was about. Later she burst into song…
Two dinosaurs!
Two dinosaurs!
Two dinosaurs!
Is one more than one dinosaur!
Five dinosaurs!
Five dinosaurs!
Five dinosaurs!
Is one more than four dinosaurs!
Nine dinosaurs!
Nine dinosaurs!
Nine dinosaurs!
Is one more than eight dinosaurs!

I gotta tell you, its catchy.

Nebraska! It’s kind of plain.

We stop at a Wendy’s in Cheyenne, WY. This older, possibly retarded guy walks around offering people his second sandwich. He didn’t want to eat it so he could save room for his desert. Very cute.

We start the “I’m all over it like…” game. Examples…
Caitlin: I’m all over it like white on trash.
Me: I’m all over it like FEMA checks to New Orleans.
Caitlin: I’m all over it like welfare checks to Fort Drum.
Me: Ok, that’s low.
I try to make a penis joke.
Me: Did you know I’m descended from the great peni-ni?
Caitlin: You’re descended from a sandwich?
Me: No, not panini.

Caitlin and I sing “Amazing Corn” sung to the tune of “Amazing Grace”. Somehow the two of us make up two separate yet hilarious versions of the song, and dammit I didn’t write it down.

I have an imaginary conversation with some slut trying to hook up with Shawn at an also imaginary bachelor party. “Come on Shawn, we have to go. Don’t you remember that thing… that you have to do… that’s not her.”

Caitlin: Octopuses have tails, not legs.

Monday, Sept. 4

I start off the day thinking that for some reason Caitlin handed me a bucket of pee. It was the empty bucket for ice.

I decided to mangle my word pronunciations:
Me: I have to use the pho-anne.
Caitlin: The p-hone? The pee honey? Bwah ha ha ha!

This continutes…
Me: (I was reading a billboard) Wells Fargo: Free Checking services for your fiancés. Oh, finances.
Caitlin: Haha! Stop it, I have to poop!

I mess up the order of Iowa, Indiana, and Illinois (I still don’t know it.)
Caitlin: Haha, Kevin doesn’t know his states!
Me: Well there’s so many I’s in a row its like a tri-clops.

Tuesday, Sept. 5
We stopped in Geneseo, IL for the night at a Super 8 which had signs (that we read too late) about a bug infestation. “We can’t control Mother Nature.”

Caitlin says she rolled double sevens. What? Is she playing with D&D dice?

Last night was also the attack of the penis mummy. This should probably be censored.

There’s a chain of gas stations in Illinois called HI-V Gas.
Me: We’ll AID you on your journey with HI-V gas.

All of the 18 wheelers have Manac mud flaps. Manac looks like a flying moose.

Me: That makes me go “ha-ha” in my belly.

In Indiana we see a bumper sticker that says, “Recruiter” but the letters are done up in the colors of the gay rainbow.

We hear a radio commercial for Manard’s, a hardware store. The commercial is something like, “Introducing Manard’s great variety of color. You’ll save big at Manard’s” Oh, I couldn’t stop laughing.

Caitlin sees a sign that says “No HC” and says, “No Hot Chocolate allowed!”

Me: Not all chickens taste the same, but they all start out as chickens.
Caitlin: No honey, they all start out as eggs.
Me: Hehe, “ass eggs”.

Wednesday, Sept. 6
Stayed the night in either Bloomsburg or Buckhorn, PA. It was on the border so I’m not sure exactly where we were.

The TV at the Econo Lodge had an AM/FM radio and alarm clock built in. Where the fuck does one buy something like that?

Every, and I mean every, employee at the Lodge was gay. Flaming older gay men that were trying to hide it but failing all the time.

I was discussing my Dad’s book (yes he’s writing one too) and Caitlin asked if I would feel comfortable reading things about him.
Me: Yes, if there’s any reference I’ll get rid of it. Then I’ll cross out “Bob” and write “Frank” and wonder why, on Halloween, they franked for apples.

Pennsylvania has townships. So every sign is now entering township of…
Caitlin: We’re in Jefferson Township and the next town is Rockaway. Haha. We’re in Jefferson Township and they built their city on Rockaway. Rock-a-way-ayyyy!!!!!

Caitlin and I say a lot of weird things. I don’t know the conversations that these came from, because I didn’t write it down, but here’s a sampling of random goofy shit we say.

You take your crotch bubbles back!
Maxi Padd-ington Bear
I used to think that quiche was pronounced kwi-chi
I make fun of the cat in the widdle. What?
And now…. Huge donuts!

And that is the travel journal. Not as exciting as the way out to California. However, its not all that we have to write about either. More excitement coming soon.

Retail Bathrooms!

I wrote up a resume this week and wow, I’ve worked a lot of shitty jobs. What better way to take all of you through memory lane than with “Kevin’s jobs and the bathrooms at them!”
First thing, retail sucks. I want Rite Aid to be my last retail job ever. Might not be, never know, but I would like it to be. I had my first job (other than summer jobs) when I was 18 at a retail place. Here it is 10 years later and I have a bottom rung of the ladder retail job. No more I say! Anyways, on with the show…

1.) Roland’s of Chesapeake Beach, MD. I was 16 and worked here for the summer that I stayed with my Dad. I don’t remember much of the place. I’m sure it had a bathroom but I can’t remember a thing about it.

By the way, I’m going to write something more meaningful about past jobs, and many things in my past later on. I’m just on a toilet kick tonight.

2.) SugarCreek on Arsenal St. Oh this place sucked. The bathroom was in between the supply closet and the car wash. So to go out to the car wash you had to walk through the bathroom, and vice versa. Any time I sat to take a Count Dooku (thank you Venture Bros.) I was worried someone would have to cut through there to get a broom or something. “Don’t mind me, just passing through.”

3.) Majic 103.1 with Johnny and Erika. Small radio station. It had a nice toiley. The odd thing was that there was only one potty for the men and women that worked there. And no handicap access either, which is great when your country DJ has one leg.

4.) Hills. Wow, I hated this job too. The upstairs employee bathroom was like a sauna. Metal roof, lot of stink, and no windows nor air filters. It got so bad I would leave the store, even for a pee, and go use the mall food court bathroom. Probably why I have no fear of it today. Crabs be damned!

5.) Staples. An awful place that fired me after a month. Alright bathroom. It wasn’t alright after I kept using it (as a customer) and not flushing. Feel my fecal wrath! You want me to clean it up? Press your precious “Easy” button and see what happens.

6.) Aussie Outfitters. I loved this job. Hang out at the mall all day in a rarely shopped at store. This is where I started reading a lot again, and found a love of anime (Damn you Pokemon Game Boy!) I think the best time was when I thought I was alone. I go into the bathroom, no shoes on (I never wore shoes behind the counter then), and proceed to make a lot of noise along with a running commentary of what was going on. (“Oh wow, did I do that?) When I get out, wet paper towel in hands, I see two of my friends who have sold 3 shirts to a customer that was waiting for me to ring up the order. Luckily, they could hear my commentary and knew when I was finishing up.

7.) Price Chopper. It is never a good idea to have to use a bathroom in the middle of a store remodel. Chopper used to have the worst bathrooms in the city. My second day I was asked to clean the men’s room. I walked over, opened the door, closed it, and told them I’d rather be fired then clean that. It looked like someone’s knees didn’t work, so they bent over at the waist and sprayed their mess all over the wall and everything next to it. Later as I grew to hate the job I would hide out in the bathroom. Not to do anything toilet related, but just sit there and read and try to not get caught. After I left I found out that some people thought I was sick and had constant diarrhea.

8.) TJ Maxx. Currently the worst bathroom in the city. You know how most stores have those powerful toilets? The ones where the water shoots away so fast you wonder if it could pull your face in there too. If that was an area you would put your face, that is. Well TJ Maxx doesn’t have one of those. Instead it has your usual home quality, 2 gallons at most toilet. This would be fine if 2 or 3, even 4 people used it daily. But not every other customer. And not after these customers have been to either Applebee’s or the Greek place, or the Chinese buffet. Messy messy customers. While working here, I swung a plunger like Babe Ruth swung a baseball bat: drunk. Constantly a disgusting part of my day. And the women’s bathroom was always the worst. It looked like 5 women decided to abort little black or brown (occasionally green, what did you eat?) babies all at once. Then not flush. And ladies, those little trash boxes are for your napkins, use them, or I’ll wipe your mouth with said napkins next time you leave them on the floor.

9.) Rite Aid. Not a bad bathroom. Nothing special either. It’s funny to see wrappers for stolen merchandise in there every so often. We don’t clean it nearly enough though. I think the same wad of paper towel has been there for a week. Not bad, not a treat either. Much like the job really.

Now that I’m done I wonder if I could have written something comparing my happiness at a place to the quality of the bathroom. Ah well, I’m too tired to do such a thing now and my tummy’s rumbling.

The Rite-Aid ghost bear.

See the pictures? That's one scary fucking bear right there. And it doesnt have any eyes! Oh yeah, if you cant see the pictures go to dieseldecent.blogspot.com I uploaded them correctly there but I'm having trouble with the other sites.
Anyways...
This is the bear that's on all baby oil, powder, basically all baby products sold at Rite Aid. This is supposed to be comforting? It has no pupils! It has no soul! But wait, the Ghost Bear effects every day at Rite Aid. There is a security system, but not much of one at the store. It works like this. One of the security tags found in or on such items as liquor, condoms, teeth whitening, and some pills, goes off. Myself or another cashier looks at the door, nods at the thief in question, and goes back to the task we were on. No security guard, no calling police, no cameras. Sure Los Gatos is a rich neighborhood but shoplifters can drive, dont 'cha know?
Anywho, lately the alarm has gone off when no one is around! The automated doors will open (then close, they work in pairs like that) and the alarm will go off. But not a soul is in sight. Because the ghost bear has no soul!
Also, there is some sort of alarm, beeping noise, whatever that comes from the ice cream cooler. Some say it goes off when the temperature is being reset for efficient, um, cool-ness. No, I say its one of those cold spots that any ghost hunting show looks for.
Step 1, go into haunted place.
Step 2, find an area that is many degrees colder than the surrounding areas for no reason.
Step 3, piss yourself.

I blame any odd happenings at Rite Aid on the ghost bear. Any missing product is the ghost bear's fault too. I was just hanging on to it for him.

I thought a porn star came through my line at work today. Jenna Haze.



The girl looked exactly like her though. But alas, the "real" names did not match (thank you Wikipedia).
Tune in for another installment of almost meeting celebrities.

The Rise and Fall of ECW by Thom Loverro

I was so happy when this book came out. I thought that it would contain detailed behind the scenes stories about the little promotion that could. I wanted dirt and sleeze. Instead on page 64, "Sabu and Tazz defeated the Pitbulls; Tommy Dreamer beat Stevie Richards..." This goes on for awhile, and is repeated over and over again. Here's the form of the book. In 1997 these matches took place at ECW shows. In June of that year Cactus Jack had a good match. Mick Foley puts it this way, "yeah that was great". Thank you Mick.
Oh but it gets worse! On page 77 the writer copy and pastes the whole page out of Have a Nice Day! Mick Foley's first book. I would be amazed if this guy took more than an hour to write this book. He copies match results which can be found dozens of places online or directly copies someone's quotes from previous books (like Foley) or from the Rise and Fall of ECW DVD (which was an amazing piece of work). It's hack writing to the EXTREME!
No matter how much time Loverro had on this project it was squandered. Give me the same amount of time and I'll write a five star book on ECW. Only recommended for a completist.

A movie review from Steve "Guts":

Pulse-less

So I saw Pulse tonight, the horror movie about dead people trying to break into our world and suck our lives from our souls. Originally it was opening March 3rd, the date proudly displayed on posters and ad materials. Then it was August, then it was September, then it was August again, then another date in August. It drops tomorrow and I took a chance on watching it tonight. The main reason was Kristen Bell, who I am now deeply in love with. Not just because she is hot but because she is such a good actress and really appears to have something going on upstairs. She is, for those that dont know, the title character in Veronica Mars.

Some movies are shuffled around the release schedule and in the process are unfairly tainted and thought to be bad movies, unreleasable. Some are actually good ones that are kinda out-there and are difficult to find homes on the release schedule for. And some are just garbage. Pulse (2/10) is garbage. There are some good ideas, but its all build-up, and very little payoff. So little payoff that I very nearly wrote, "all build-up and no payoff." But there is a bit at the end where it is all supposed to come together. I assure you it does not. It is an ending where you think, "I took this journey to get HERE????" Thankfully, the journey is 87 minutes long. You wont be investing that much in it, which works because you get next to nothing in return. Please do yourselves a favor and save the $8. I'm seeing World Trade Center and the rest of Talladega Nights sometime this week, thoughts will follow.

You know what you should see instead of Pulse? THE DESCENT (8.5/10). A new british import horror movie. It is kickass. Bloody, gory and VERY suspenseful. Images from that movie will haunt your dreams. If you give yourself over to it and let it fuck with you, its a wild ride. If you go into it with a chip on your shoulder and plan on not being scared or thrilled, you likely wont. If thats your thing, then fine. But I assure you it is a descent worth taking. I wont spoil the cool shit for those who will eventually see it. Its been years since a horror movie actually had me watching my back as I walked through the parking lot.....because you never know what's behind you. All I will say is that I am never going cave diving, no sir....because you never know what's down there waiting for you....

Thank you Steve.

And now... A message from Joe.

Its my opinion that if you put a small child in a oven your wife will call the cops. oh wait...was that real....i've got to stop taking those pills. I just don't recomend it.


O"B's opinion of the day

Thank you Joe.